I just got out of prison. How can I unruin my life?

A long time ago, I was a pretty successful PHP programmer. I ran a SAAS business with the person who founded the company. Well, I started to get burned out, and decided to start growing weed in my house since I owned it. For years I had good luck doing this, but then I went through a horrible breakup, and got depressed, and lost most everything to drugs, and ended up going to prison.

In prison I read Dan Kennedy, and thought about getting into selling Cryonics, which I have always wanted to sign up for myself. I also filed a civil rights lawsuit against the county jail for beating me in custody, so I am expecting to get a couple hundred thousand dollars eventually. Since I have been out, I have been listening to a lot of YouTubers, especially Jordan Peterson.

Jordan Peterson has really kind of helped me understand what I did to ruin my life and why. But I have been out of prison for 7 months, and don't know what I can do to try and make money. Today I managed to go to the gym, but the last couple weeks I've lost my motivation, and almost felt suicidal. I have thought about buying oxy's off the Darkweb and selling them locally, or trying to sell suboxone on the Darkweb, but I don't *want* to break the law. I want to be useful like I was when I was programming, or even when I was growing weed and selling it to people who were making money dealing.

What if I made a 503(c) nonprofit that paid an affiliate commission? So then other people could promote it and get paid a cut of the donations collected? I dunno.

I feel like, in a way, I've died and gone to hell, because every day is really just a repeat of the one before, and I'm alone with no real hope of having a family or even really surviving long term. And it is both unfixable and my fault. I used to make like $100/hr growing, and $50/hr coding, and now I can't reliably make $5/hr. I spent like two days watching drop shipping videos where the guy loses money because facebook ads are so expensive. My house got foreclosed on... I actually completed bankruptcy in prison. I wish I had a girlfriend that loved me; that I could go back in time and do things right.

Is anyone just doing anything that they are really crushing it with? How can I survive without some way to contribute and people to love?

 

If you just got out of jail you are more than likely still on probation. If you get busted for selling drugs again the judge will slam the book on you, and you won't see the outside for a very, very long time.....don't flipping do it.

Go straight, and fight until you win and stop giving up because it is too hard.....end of story.

 

You are totally right about me feeling alone. I like being an important member of a group, but it feels like now I have nothing to contribute. Plus I ruined a relationship, so I'm feeling like regret and hopelessness at the same time. I was thinking last night about how I could kill myself, so today I got a referral for an appointment to see a psychiatrist, and I think I am going to try an antidepressant. I don't know what else to do. If I've just screwed up and now am too old to fix it, maybe I actually would be better dead -- I don't want to spend 40 more years like this, or go back to prison.

But I got a settlement coming - that could be serious money. Here is the complaint drafted by my lawyer: https://trentontompkins.com/fifth-amended-complaint/

I could move to new country and start a new life if I get enough money. But right now it just like hurts to be alive; I've just gone through so many bad things. Maybe a cute dog would be nice. I used to like programming just to program, but now I can't seem to really do it. (I thought about learning python)

Thanks for the replies.

 

Jordan Peterson gives great advice. Something he says is to work hard every day to be better than you were the day before. Focus on improving yourself, not competing with anyone else. Don't get into dropshipping unless you have thousands to spend on ads for testing and learning what works. It's not as easy as YouTube influencers claim.

You have coding skills, they are still in demand. Things change a lot, but you can re-learn and catch up to today's standards for web/app development. It's hard to get a job when you have a criminal record, I hate that fact as it doesn't encourage people to change and better their lives. However, there's always a way. DO NOT GO ON THE DARK WEB AND DO ANYTHING OF THAT NATURE, DROP THAT FROM YOUR MIND ASAP AND FOCUS ON DOING SOMETHING LEGIT.

You can do mobile auto detailing, you can become a freelance coder (fiverr, upwork) or you can just get the most basic job possible and find a way to constantly invest your money until you figure things out. Doors will open, just not always when you want them to.

 

I was browsing through channels last night and saw this PBS special:



I immediately thought of this post. For what it's worth.

 

I completely feel like I don't know how to do anything anymore. I am seeing people talking about doing FBA by amazon and Shopify dropshipping, but I spent the last couple years learning how to file a lawsuit in Federal court, and I just don't know if I have the skills to pull off anything else. I filed bankruptcy in prison, and started making a tutorial series, but it was only getting like 12 views:

Everything online seems pretty winner-take-all; like you are either in the top 5% or you end up losing money. If I can't compete against 18year olds, I don't know if there is any hope for me. Crazy part is, I could have been rich if I had made better choices. I just pray I still have another shot at life. Today I cleaned up my room some, like Jordan Peterson said.

 

Good job on the video! Dude, you can do this!

Do you know how old Colonel Sanders was when he got rich from KFC? Old.

Stop getting discouraged man, you HAVE what it takes to succeed, no matter how impossible things might seem right now.

 

I hope you are right.

I read so many books, you'd think I could put them to use: https://trentontompkins.com/books-i-read-in-prison-partial-list/

But I feel just worried and sad and worn out and completely unsure what to do. I am trying to at least start getting out of bed and sitting at the computer, and maybe soon I'll start doing coding tutorials, even if I'm not getting paid. I should drag myself to the gym. I just wish I could have warned my past self what not to do. It is hell knowing I can never undo my mistakes. Thanks for your encouraging reply.

 

Start by developing a vision board. How would you like your life to turn out?
It may take you a couple of days or weeks to complete, but once
you have a vision for your life, you will feel more in control.
You will realize that you have the power to steer your life the way you want it to go.
Hang up the vision board in your room, where you can see it every day. Stick
to it and consistently work on it, even when it doesn't make sense. Eventually,
you will start seeing it pay off.

It may also help to have some daily positive affirmations that you can say
to yourself every morning when you wake up. You are beating yourself down too much
and it will be hard to get ahead in real life if you are not mentally there yet.
For instance, tell yourself:
I am successful
I am getting better and better every day
I forgive myself for my past mistakes
etc

All the best mate!

 

I am not sure where you live, but in many states in the U.S., they have programs to help "minorities" and other underserved populations with many services (counseling, job opportunities, education, etc.) As an ex-con, you will typically meet their "need requirements" and be eligible for their help. With your programming skills, you will find yourself way ahead of most of the other participants who typically have no skills and you might find interesting opportunities that others cannot fill. Accessing these programs and services will also get you out and about and meeting people, etc.

 

Btw, it's a good idea, I know, at least, that Michelle Obama provides such help programs. Jrbiz's suggestion is a reliable way, try this proposal, good luck!

 

Nice question actually. I believe there are some ways to unruin your life as you said, if you have understood that your behavior wasn't legal and you have changed it, then probably you should try to find any job. Especially, when we are talking about programmers, companies hire programmers a lot, because nowadays there is a huge demand on programmers in the world.
You realized your mistakes, you probably made conclusions towards your previous behavior, then just prove this when you will be interviewed in the company. Moreover, I know that in particular countries, there are special programs which are elaborated by the government and which are aimed at rehabilitation of prisoners back to the society. They have a particular sum of money monthly, until they find a job. So, here everything depends on whether your state offers such programs or not.

 

I would start with a way to get your mental welfare back. Talks of being suicidal is scary and it sounds like money isn't your problem. There are people who will hire you even though you've been to prison. Start small - get a job first. Build yourself back up and save first before hopping into a business opportunity.