Funny jokes/ quotes/ pictures

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

 

Quotes:

The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.

As in nature, all is ebb and tide, all is wave motion, so it seems that in all branches of industry, alternating currents - electric wave motion - will have the sway.


Nikola Tesla

 

A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, "I'm sorry... But your pig is dead."
The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."
The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.
The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.
The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on." The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.
The woman is again outraged, "$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"
The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."

 

Quotes:

Though we may never be able to comprehend human life, we know certainly that it is a movement, of whatever nature it be. The existence of movement unavoidably implies a body which is being moved and a force which is moving it. Hence, wherever there is life, there is a mass moved by a force. All mass possesses inertia; all force tends to persist.

Nikola Tesla

 

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Then, God came to Eve to pass on some news too. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Eve looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Adam. The other organ I have for you is called a vagina. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Adam will be very happy that you now have this organ to give him children."
Eve, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Eve and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. While you're bleeding through one of them every 28 days, the other will remain useless."

 

Why coffee is better than women

A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
You won't get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m.
You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long.
No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
Coffee doesn't talk to you.
Most coffee is hot, unless you request it otherwise.
Coffee stains are easier to remove.
Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.
When coffee gets cold, you can throw it away.
When you drink coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
Coffee doesn't take up half your bed and all the hot water.

Gassy Granny

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

Quotes:

Today's scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.

Nikola Tesla

 

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

 

The One About The Stand-in Gorilla

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don 
a costume and act like an ape 
until the zoo can get another one.
In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the 
lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens 
its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get 
us both fired?!”

 

Last week, my girlfriend and i were in bed kissing passionately and getting sensual. As our passion began to heat'up, she said..... "NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT, I Just Want You To Hold Me".
I screamed "WHAT??!!" "What Was That?!"
She replied...."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man".
She further added...."Can't you just love me for who i am, and not what i do for you in the bedroom?".
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i just went to sleep.
The next day, i decided to cancel going to school so that i could spend time with her.
We went out and had a nice lunch, then i took her shopping at a very big boutique.
I walked around with her as she tried on several expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so i told her we would just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so i surprised her by telling her to just get a pair of shoes for each cloth she selects.
We went over to the jewelry section where she picked'out a pair of gold earrings.
She was so excited, she also asked for a Bracelet and a Wrist'Watch, and i surprised her further when i replied..."That's Okay Honey, You Can Have Them All".
She was on'top of the world from all the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said...."I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when i replied her...."NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT".
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT"??!!.
I further said...."Honey I Just Want You To Hold Those Things For A While". "You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, i further added....
"Why can't you just love me for who i am, and not for the things i buy you?".
Apparently she won't allow me touch her this night either, but at least she knows am smarter than her.

 

The Calculating Sheepdog

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

 

little johnny's teacher was warned before the start of school to never make a bet with him. she understood. school started and little johnny bet his teacher 50$ that he could guess what color underware she had on. she said " ok after class come to to me and tell me your guess. he said ok. during class the teacher slipped out to the bathroom and removed her underware. after class little johnny told his teacher his quess. he said blue. she said nope i aint got none on. she hiked up her skirt to show him. he said ok here is your money, but its fine i bet my dad 100$ that i could see your pussy by the end of the day.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

Reid Faylor on Halloween

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

 

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."


A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry.

 

Our virtues and our failings are inseparable, like force and matter. When they separate, man is no more.

Electrical science has revealed to us the true nature of light, has provided us with innumerable appliances and instruments of precision, and has thereby vastly added to the exactness of our knowledge.

Nikola Tesla

 

Wilfred had just learned his ABCs and was very scared of reciting them in front of his class. He stood in front of the class trembling and began.
"A B C D E F G H I J L K M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z."
His teacher said, "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
He replied, "It's running down my leg."

 

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

 

In a time not distant, it will be possible to flash any image formed in thought on a screen and render it visible at any place desired. The perfection of this means of reading thought will create a revolution for the better in all our social relations.

The trend of opinion among eugenists is that we must make marriage more difficult. Certainly no one who is not a desirable parent should be permitted to produce progeny.

Nikola Tesla

 

"Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call 'dating.' I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering: do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested, I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested…And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door 'cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out 'cause you’re tryin' not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called 'just the tip.' Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch, you’re on my hair."

Wedding Crashers