Funny jokes/ quotes/ pictures

"The details of my life are quite inconsequential... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds - pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking - I suggest you try it."

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

"I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. I mean, how is it possible?"

Antz

 

A software engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an electrical engineer are carpooling to work, when suddenly the car stops running and they pull over.
The mechanical engineer says, I think it's a problem with the engine. I'll have to get out and inspect.
The electrical engineer says, No, no. It's got to be an electrical issue. I will grab my meter and troubleshoot to find out what is going on.
The software engineer says, Nuts to all that. Let's just get out and get back in again.

 

In a time not distant, it will be possible to flash any image formed in thought on a screen and render it visible at any place desired. The perfection of this means of reading thought will create a revolution for the better in all our social relations.

There is no conflict between the ideal of religion and the ideal of science, but science is opposed to theological dogmas because science is founded on fact. To me, the universe is simply a great machine which never came into being and never will end. The human being is no exception to the natural order. Man, like the universe, is a machine.

Nikola Tesla

 

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally the boy drops his pants and says: Here’s something I have that you’ll never have. The little girl is pretty upset by this since it is clearly true and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says: My mommy says that with one of these I can have as many of those as I want! ))

 

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

 

A new sandwich bar claims that it can make any type of sandwich immediately and are so confident that they promise to pay a thousand dollars to anyone who can think of a sandwich which they don't have.so the first customer walks up and asks for apple flavoured noodles in a sandwich, 30 secondslater the sandwich is served to him just like he asked. The second customer walks up and asks for a potato and seaweed sandwich. Again the sandwich bar owner comes straight back out from the kitchen with a smug look on his face and a potato and seaweed sandwich in his hands. Finally a very cocky looking customer walks up and asks for an elephant penis and camel hoof sandwich,topped with panda sperm and the shavings of an albatrosses claws,the owner is in the kitchen for a long time before he walks back out with no sandwich but just a thousand dollars in his hand.the customer starts celebrating and says he knew they wouldn't have them ingredients to which the owner replies "oh we have the penis the hoof the panda sperm and the claws,we just have no bread."

 

Once there was a one eyed man who walked in to a pet shop He said: Hi I'd like to buy that parrot. The clerk said: I think that the bird will make fun of your one eye. The guy laughingly says: I think I can deal with it. He gets the bird home and says: Polly want a cracker? The bird replied: Fuck you you one eyed bastard. Then the guy hit the parrot on the head with a spoon He says: Polly want a cracker? and the bird says: Fuck you you one eyed bastard. Then he puts the bird in the microwave for 30 seconds and says it again and again the bird says: Fuck you you one eyed bastard. So he puts it in the freezer and says he will come back in ten minutes He ends up falling asleep for 3 hours He wakes up and says: Oh shit the bird. He goes upstairs to get the bird, opens the freezer and sees the bird frozen solid with his middle finger up and one hand over his eye.

 

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

 

The trend of opinion among eugenists is that we must make marriage more difficult. Certainly no one who is not a desirable parent should be permitted to produce progeny.

Nikola Tesla

 

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

The harness of waterfalls is the most economical method known for drawing energy from the sun.

The earth is bountiful, and where her bounty fails, nitrogen drawn from the air will refertilize her womb. I developed a process for this purpose in 1900. It was perfected fourteen years later under the stress of war by German chemists.

Nikola Tesla

 

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all; gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

 

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. She said: Look!. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me. So for her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. hahahah

 

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

 

A child asked his father: How were people born? So his father said: Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies and so on. The child then went to his mother and asked her the same question and she told him: We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now. The child ran back to his father and said: You lied to me! His father replied: No your mom was talking about her side of the family.

 

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"

 

From my childhood I had been intended for the clergy. This prospect hung like a dark cloud on my mind.

Nikola Tesla

 

Best funny quotes in my life........
**Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
by-ALBERT EINSTEIN.
**I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond by --MAE WEST.
**He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot will be victorious. by- SUN TZU.
**Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. by- MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.