Funny jokes/ quotes/ pictures

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says: The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.
The biologist counters: They must have reproduced.
Finally the mathematician suggests :If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.

 

One day i bought a house, and i didnt know what to name it. so i went to the guy next door and said what should i name my house, and he said... walk into the woods and the first thing you hear name it. so i did just that and i heard a bunch of teenagers yelling at a bear calling it hairy butt. so i named my house hairy butt. a few days later a bought a dog, and i didnt know what to name it. so i went to the guy next door and asked him what i should name my dog. this is what he said... fo into the woods and the first thing you hear name it. so i did just that again but this time i stepped on a twig and it went CRACK! So i named my dog crack. a few months later i lost my dog, imlooked all over my hairy butt but couldnt find my precious crack

 

I am sure that this thread soon will be one the most active on digitalpoint!

 

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher

 

Clean Your Plate

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.

 

The Cost of Vinyl

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, “But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.”

Bad Burglars Do This

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who’d injured himself running from a home. He told me he’d broken in and unhooked the phone before searching for valuables. But he’d panicked when he heard a woman’s voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again.”

 

This is interesting joke which I know.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game he asked her how she liked the experience. She said: Oh, I really liked it, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. Dumbfounded, her date asked, What do you mean? Well they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!

 

Kid 1:Hey, I bet you're still a virgin

Kid 2: Yeah, I was a virgin until last night

Kid 1: As if

Kid 2: Yeah, just ask your sister

Kid 1: I don't have a sister

Kid 2: You will in about nine months

 

I found this story on my server recently, and couldnt help but be reminded of some of the freelancers that I have worked with in the past. It serves as a good reminder, that even if freelancers do shoddy work, they tend to get paid, while the company reliant on them pays the price.

************************************
The following memo was recently found in the debris of a ruined company that failed in early 2000.

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y -to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.

 

I have my own version that I add to the end of that quota...

After 20 years of marriage, your WIFE becomes the "hot stove", and your daughter becomes someone elses "pretty girl".

If you dont get that, you either aint married, or dont have daughters.

 

Let's see if you have a good eye vision.

 

Read mine...
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

 

Sharon has just finished showering. As she's drying off, her husband gets in to have his shower. Just then there's a knock at the door. "I'll get it," she calls to her husband. She opens the door and finds Danny, Bob's friend, standing there. He just stares at her, doesn't say anything. "Yes Danny?" she asks. Danny just smiles nervously, then blurts out: "Fifty bucks if you drop your towel!" Sharon hesitates for a moment, but then shrugs her towel off. Danny stares and smiles, then drops fifty bucks on the ground and darts off. Sharon covers herself up again, checks that none of the neighbors have seen her, and carries the money inside. "What was that about?" Bob calls out . Putting the money in her wallet, Sharon calls back:"Oh, nothing. Just Danny". "Oh what that does that bastard want?", asks Bob. "Nothing actually", she fibs. "He just saw me, didn't say anything, and left real fast". "Figures," yells Bob, "The bastard owes me fifty bucks!"

 

With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

 

My apologies to any women offended by this. My wife loved this joke, but I know it will not be to everyone's taste.

This man is walking down the street, when he sees a women with the most amazing breasts he had ever seen. He was never the one to be rude, or even stare, but this time he lost control. He ran over to the women, pulled out $1000 cash, waved it in her face, and told her, "$1000 to bite your breasts"
"Get away from me you freak", she yelled, "Just what kind of women do you take me for"
The man ran off before the women could hit him with her handbag.
Half an hour later, he catches up to her again, this time he pulls out $10,000, waves it in her face and says, "$10,000 to bite your boobs",
"Get away from me you freak...." but then she stopped herself. She could see the money, and she could see what she could use the money for. Hey, it will only be quick, and $10k, is worth it for just a minute of her time she thought to herself.
"ok ok ok", she reluctantly sighs, "but not here, lets go somewhere private". She leads him down to a back alley, behind a dumpster where she could be assured basic privacy. She unhooks her bra, and lifts up her shirt.
The man starts massaging her breasts, licking them, sucking them, motorboating them, after a full 5 minutes has passed, she says angrily, "well, hurry up and bite them!".
"no", he moaned with mouth buried deep within her breasts, "too expensive."

 

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”