Global War on Christmas

My fellow evildoers, three years ago I ordered an all-out assault on the North Pole in what has become the central front on The War on Christmas. At the time we believed that the elves in Santa’s workshops were churning out Weapons of Mass Destruction to be delivered by sleighs into American homes through chimneys all across America. We acted in good faith on the best intelligence available, but that information was completely wrong; Santa’s elves were in fact simply making bootleg CD’s, DVD’s, and videogames. Nevertheless, our forces did succeed in capturing a grumpy old fat man with an unkempt beard who has been terrorizing children for ages.

As a result millions of malnourished reindeer have been liberated. Elves are going to the polls for the first time to choose their own leaders. And we have established fourteen new military bases at the North Pole from which we can exert leverage on the axis-of-evil member next door, Alice in Wonderland.

Our War on Christmas is succeeding. But no victory is without sacrifice or errors in judgment. As your Commander-in-Chief I accept full responsibility for allowing our commanders on the ground to make the decision send our troops into battle without the proper mittens or armor plated sleighs.

We all want our forces to come home as soon as possible. To this end we our training more than 100,000 elves from Santa’s disbanded secret police to take over security. I know many naysayers believe that 3ft elves with jolly dispositions are no match for battle hardened terrorists who plant roadside bombs and cut off peoples heads. But to those defeatists I say: “Think positive.” As the elves stand up, we will stand down. This is not just a cliché; it’s our plan for victory.

Given the high costs we have incurred some have questioned whether the war has been worth it. But we have captured a perverted old coot that dressed up in silly costumes and was overly fond of having young children sit in his lap. I can only wonder what Mrs. Klaus thought. Further, as the result of our invasion – I mean liberation – we have uncovered evidence that Santa authorized the use of a secret surveillance system designed to keep tabs on naughty children. If you ask me, anyone his age with a twinkle in their eye who wears nothing but furry red suits and enormous black leather belts just has to be a fairy.

Our work is not yet done. Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is still on the loose. But the noose is tightening. Recently our Special Forces captured Tiny Tim and he is being held at a secure location. He’ll talk. Trust me.

The decision to wage The War on Christmas and been the toughest and most solemn decision I could make – tougher even than my decision to evict thousands of tenants from my dilapidated tenements on Christmas Eve – but it has been worth it. The consequences have been high, and I must live with those. As Commander-in-Chief in the War on Christmas it is my duty to visit and console the wounded. None of our brave heroes sacrificed more than Frosty the Snow Man, a former enemy combatant, who joined our coalition of security forces and was severely melted by the effects of Global Warming stemming from the depletion of the ozone layer over the North Pole. I know Frosty would want me to finish the job.

 

AGhhhHHH no it's a big dicked nerd!!

 

Sad thing is that this is too close to the truth.

Merry Christmas

 

Isn't it though?

I posted that in hopes people would see the absurdity of the GWOT. I know most people buy the party line hook line and sinker, and i read a few of yo-yo's good posts and saw the nattering nay-bobs shout her/him down. Knowing these people will not look at the evidence, i thought this post might illustrate the absurdity of the events following the false flag attack that has lead our country into totallitarianism.

 

You actually read it? I got bored after the second line

 

Nah, just the title and first few lines, but I know Christmas trees are vanishing everywhere and Holiday trees are popping up in there place. What the hell is a holday tree anyways?

...And this is just the beginning.

 

I'm actually amazed my daughter's preschool teacher still manages to hold a Christmas party. I can't recall if she said Christmas or holiday party, but considering the kids made paper stockings, sang typical Christmas songs and had a visit from Santa (this is a public school, not private!), it was pretty clearly a Christmas party.

The kids had a blast.

 

You know there are pretty much no limits on how you celeberate christmas, or express your religious beliefs, on your own property, on your own time and with your own money.

 

My kids school held a christmas concert/play this year and it was awesome. Unfortunatly in Vancouver tis is an exception, not the norm.