Some Great Jokes

A nurse is doing her rounds on the psychiatric ward one night. On her first round she stops to check on Dave, who is sitting on the end of the bed holding on to an imaginary steering wheel. The nurse says, "Dave, what are you doing?" He replied, " I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse smiles and moves on.

Later in the evening, she rounds again to find Dave still sitting on the edge of his bed, 'driving'; then abruptly makes a gear-shift move and stops. The nurse asks, "Dave, what are you doing now?" Dave replies, "I'm in Chicago!" The nurse smiles and continues her rounds.

Across the hall, the nurse walks in on Rob and is horrified to see him sitting on the edge of his bed, masturbating. She exclaims, "Rob! What are you doing?!" Rob grins and says "I heard Dave's out of town, so I'm fucking his wife!"



Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."


They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

A police officer pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and sain, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

The driver said, "What's the problem, officer?"

"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The police officer had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

 

That's how cops should handle a person like that. LOL