The future, The Past, And the Present

I started into webdesign back in '99 and am now approaching 7 years in the industry. Not that I have spent the intire time doing web design. No, for the most part I have had odd jobs; like working in factories, telemarketing, security, food service, and the occasional ditch digging job. My love for the computer came into fruition after spending a childhood ostracised for being different 'I had a lazy eye', and the only way I ever knew how to deal with this and the other children, was to read and read I did. I use to spend every moment of the day reading book after book. The stories I read would range from The Hardy Boys - To the Classics of Liturature. I would emerse myself in those fictional worlds, and become a part of the story. Those were the worlds that interested me "not my own" a world in which I was a nobody.

Then, one day back in oh lets say 1993 my grandparents decided to buy a computer. I remember being there when they brought it home, It was a 66MHZ DX Packard Bell with 4MB Ram. I still remember the first time it booted for me. The sounds, the windows 3.11 logo, and the Packard Bell screen. It was something to behold. It was probably a year or so after that before I started to get proficient at it. This is when I found a little program called qbasic. At once, everything seemed to fit. It was never so much that I was programming or writing code. I was designing something 'A work of Art' at least in my mind. Now I had a creative outlit. a way to to define myself. and maybe just maybe become 'someone'. In the end I think that Is all I have ever wanted; to matter, to be counted, and maybe even liked.

Recently I turned 27 and I am starting to wonder if maybe that dream will never come true. Will I ever be anyone?, will anyone ever love me? I find myself at times very depressed, and wanting to know what things mean, and why I am here. I tend to get over this and I get back to focusing on getting ahead and forging a path for myself and for the most part my current need to belong to the internet and become a webdesigner stemmed from a need to be secure and happy. I never wanted to work for someone else, crap I hate working for someone else. Yet, I have never been in the position or had the money to truely take off on my own.

At this moment I am hedging my bets on some new websites I am developing albiet slowly. I find myself locked in a battle though when I am designing a site. I don't want it to be less that 100% perfect. The design has to be crisp clean and easy to use or I just can't do anything with it. I am stuck on perfection. Maybe that isn't the biggest problem. Not sure why I wrote all this, but I thought I would just get somethings off my chest since I havn't got my blog up anymore.

I guess I want a legacy more than anything else. I hope that some of my new projects take off, and that I can at least get out of my current job and spend more time on the things that I love.

 

Long post, here are a few short words for you:

Do what you love and love what you do.

 

Do what your heart tells you!!!! Venting is good--this forum needs a Venting section???

 

Buy "7 habits of highly effective people" and follow everything it says.

 

I think I'd like a present. Probably something in electronics or gold, please. Or maybe beer.

 

No.

Probably not.

As question many of us have asked. Why is monkeyspanker here?

 

That's EVIL monkeyspanker to you. He didn't go to evilmonkeyspanker school for 4 years to be called monkeyspanker...