The Jewish New Year

I'm dating a wonderful Jewish woman and she just sent this email to me. I thought it was so funny, I had to share it....
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SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM FOR YOM KIPPUR



During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the

seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a

seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following

questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as

soon as possible.



1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one

___ Talking section

___ No talking section



2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of

interest

___ Stock market

___ Sports

___ Medicine

___ General gossip

___ Specific gossip (choose

___ The rabbi

___ The cantor

___ The cantor's voice

___ The cantor's significant other

___ The rabbi

___ Fashion news

___ What others are wearing

___ Why they look awful

_ __ Your neighbors

___ Your relatives

___ Your neighbors' relatives

___ Presidential Election (uh oh)

___ Sex (Preference:______________________

___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom

Other:_______________________________



3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional

advice?

__ Doctor

__ Dentist

__ Nutritionist

__ Psychiatrist

__ Child psychiatrist

__ Podiatrist

__ Chiropractor

__ Stockbroker

__ Accountant

__ Lawyer

__ Criminal

__ Civil

__ Real estate agent

__ Architect

__ Plumber

__ Buyer (Specify store:_______________________ )

__ Sexologist

__ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]

__ Other:____________________________



4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority

__ On the aisle

__ Near the exit

__ Near the window

__ In Aruba

__ Near the bathroom

__ Near my in-laws

__ As far away from my in-laws as possible

__ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible

__ Near the pulpit

__ Near the Kiddush table

__ Near single men

__ Near available women

__ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services

__ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services

__ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]



5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:

__ I can see my spouse over the mechitza

__ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza

__ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza

__ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza



6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:

(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining

another congregation.)

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

________________________ _

_________________________

_________________________



Your name:_________________________________

Building fund pledge: $________________________

 

excellent!

 

L'shana Tovah! Nice work, there.

 

lol, that's great! you can choose on who you wanna sit with...hehe

 

I wished we had a wishlist like that in church when I grew up I always wound up next to the heaviest woman (smushing me) with the loudest voice.

 

hahhahaha

still really wanna date her

 

Yea, now if she talked like Fran Dresher, then I would have been out the door a long timeago

 

Very funny. From my experience #2 is very accurate. #3 is applicable all year long. The other points are quite funny. Think I would have preferred going where she goes rather than some of the services I've been to over the years.

Dave