was this wrong to say?

my Mother and I went to visit my sister in NYC for Thanksgiving holiday last few days.

My sister has had a pretty bad weight problem for about 15 years. The three of us have TG dinner etc. and then the next day I help my sister move in some furniture she just bought from a women who lives 3 floors up.

That woman was very petite and short.

After I am done moving the furniture and sitting down again with my Mother and sister, my Mother makes a comment something like "that woman had a petite figure" or something similar to that.. basically she was saying that it was a small thin woman.

Was it appropriate for my Mother to make that kind of comment during the Thanksgiving holiday given what I told you about my sister?

 

Well, if your sister has a weight problem, and it's a "bad" problem, then somebody needs to say it. Sure, it may not have been the most polite thing to say and maybe bad timing, but seriously...

 

It was wrong. I woulfd never mention that kind of thing around anyone who might be self concious about their weight.
It is a passive aggressive thing: sounds innocent, can be 'defended' as such, but any person would know better.

I will bet any money that your mom has an issue with your sister and there is anxiety between them.

There is always a strong relationship between two people who are very familoiar with one another, and anytime a third person is involved in the dynamics, there is an opportunity to alienate one of the people.

As a matter of fact, your asking shows that the situation has caused discomfort, and you are being used.

 

She might have said it regardless of who was there..

But if for example my girlfriend was very overweight, I know for sure she would be very offended if I made a comment about another woman being petite or thin. So I guess the same should apply to mother-daughter relationship.

 

Makes no difference. She was there, and has feelings.

 

Am I the only one that doesn't think it was wrong?

Your mother was only making a passing comment. That lady must have been REAL petite/thin for your mother to have even mentioned it.

Meh, I just don't see what the big hoo haa is. I always comment on people ''god, that woman is FAT!' none of my thin friends i'm with get offended hahah.

Stop ganging up on Mommy!! I don't think she would have done it out of spite.

 

You [peo[ple are very quick! I am very impressed!

Yes, you are, mella forrerly known as another name!

Didn't I see you in Amsterdam last month??!

 

I don't see a problem with it personally, come on you couldn't make a comment that someone doesn't smoke because there is a smoker. If it was a personal insult to her it would be one thing, a casual expression is another. I gain weight off and on, and even when I've been at my heaviest someone stating something such as that I realy don't see as hurtful or anything of the sort...IMO

 

It bodes well for me that speed impresses you!!

(haha sorry Chandler Bing Moment there - I've always wanted to say that!)

 

Depends a lot on the tone in which it was said. Based just what you wrote I don't see anything wrong.

 

No, it was sparta, in North Rotterdam

It bodes well for me that speed impresses you!!

You are very well boded, then.

 

mikmik are u drunk?

 

is mikmik having a casual convo with himself?

 

I appreciate the feedback. I knew it was wrong, but the weird thing is that sometimes it is hard to see through the fog when you are a family member and do not have an outside perspective.

I agree that eating and over eating and a persons weight are touchy issues..

But I must tell you the most difficult thing over the years has been the difficulty in separating the good from the bad. For example, there are a million nice things I can say and respect about my Mother.. but then when you mix in a few of these bad personality traits or or off color comments it screws up the whole equation.

My sister is about the nicest person you will ever meet. I cannot ever remember her saying something bad about someone else, or being negative or complaining a lot.

 

I am? You are fat, mikmik.

Yeah, that's what you are, but what am I?

I told you, you are fat.

Oh, yeah?? Sez you.

Have you ever been hungry, mikmik?

Uh, well, yes, as a matter of fact, I was a little peckish around 5 minutes ago, but I have quelled my cravings.

Help, police!!!

 

Well I say it is wrong now, but do kind of go back and forth on the issue..

You know though how sometimes when you are with other people, friends, or family, sometimes somebody says something in an indirect way to try to get their point across? It is kind of a sneaky way of trying to say what they really feel without telling it directly to the person.

Another example could be:

lets say you are umemployed, and then you go out with your family and some friends from out of town..

lets say one of the friends from out of town was recently hired for a great high paying job and is on the fast track to success..

so then you and your family come home later that day and one of your family members starts talking about how great that person was who has that new job and how interesting it is and how great it is for them. etc. etc. and they go on and on about it...

so that is an indirect way of saying to the unemployed person what a loser they are..

 

It depends on what context it was said in. If it was just a genuine "wow that person was really petite" then there's nothing wrong with that. However, a lot of people are real good at subtley throwing out little barbs. I think you have to take into account the history of your mom, sisters, and comments between them. If your mom has consistantly said stuff like "Look at those cute bikinis or if you're coming to dinner I'll make something with less fat in it" or something equivalent then yeah she was making a barb.

Too many people say little off handed comments. I always take a nod from my grandpa. If you were a fat f*cker he called you a fat f*cker. You always knew where you stood with him. He didn't hold it against anyone or think any worse of a fat person. That were just fat. End of conversation.

I'm very blunt and a lot of people have a hard time with that. I'd rather be direct with people then leave them guessing at what I meant. Saying that though I don't intentionally point things out or say things that may hurt people's feeling, but I don't run everything through a carebear feelings detector and sensor everything I say just in case either.